Author: Erica Carpenter

The Importance of Self-Care When Caregiving

Posted on by Erica Carpenter

If you are or have ever served as a caregiver for a parent or other aging adult, you know that many moments can be stressful, yet also beautiful and meaningful at the same time. While being a caregiver can provide your life with meaning and purpose, as well as enhance your relationship with the person you are caring for, it can also put you at risk for experiencing high levels of stress, depression, and burnout. With all of these contradictory effects, it can be difficult to manage your own health and well-being. While this can be hard, self-care is imperative for a caregiver throughout the caregiving process. Below are some tips to help you take care of yourself and your health as you also care for your parent or other older adult:

1. Allow yourself to acknowledge both the positive and negative emotions you may be experiencing.

Many caregivers feel ashamed to admit that they feel stressed, fatigued, frustrated, angry, or sad as they are caring for their parent or other older adult. It is important to allow yourself to get in touch with these emotions, as well as the positive ones you may experience as well, such as gratitude and finding purpose. It is natural to experience both types of emotions, as well as important to express both of these. If you do not express them, they become stuffed down, which can backfire later on, often leading to depression, anxiety, and burnout. One way to begin the acknowledgment and expression of these emotions is to practice mindfulness exercises, such as meditation or guided breathing. Journaling about your emotions can also help you express them in a healthy way and give you an opportunity to work through and make sense of them. In addition, therapy can be a safe place to talk about these emotions without the worry of being judged.

2. Do something for yourself at least once a week.

When you are caregiving, it can be easy to feel like your own needs are not as important as the parent or adult’s you are caring for. But there’s a reason they tell you on the airplane that in the case of an emergency, put your air mask on first before putting it on others. It can be hard to take care of others if you are not also taking care of yourself as well. It is not selfish to take some time here and there to do something you enjoy. In fact, it is the exact opposite of being selfish because you are going to be a more effective caregiver as a result of taking some time to rest and recharge. It can be helpful to set a recurring time each week for you to do something for yourself and only yourself, such as going for a walk, watching your favorite TV show, or going to lunch with a friend.

3. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.

If you are feeling fatigued, overwhelmed, and like you just need a break, listen to your body. If you have other family members nearby, ask them to step in for a few hours while you take a break. If you don’t have the option of family being nearby, asking for help can also be in the form of seeking therapy or attending a support group where you can talk openly about your experiences as a caregiver, as well as listen to those of others in similar situations.

 

 

 

The Myth About Marital Conflict

Posted on by Erica Carpenter

As a couples therapist, one of the things I hear couples say the most is that their goal is to never argue. It is so often that our idea of a happy, healthy couple is one that never fights or disagrees-this could not be farther from the truth! In fact, if someone tells you they never argue with their spouse or partner, they are probably not telling the whole truth. Many relationship experts, including Dr. John Gottman, would argue that conflict in a marriage or long-term relationship is actually completely normal and healthy (Gottman, 1999). It is how you handle these disagreements that is the key to having a happy, healthy relationship.

According to Gottman, one of the main things that keeps couples from arguing in a healthy way is the language that is used during a disagreement. So often, partners will become overwhelmed with emotion during an argument and begin saying things they later regret. Criticism, verbal attacks, and put-downs only escalate the argument, keeping partners from being able to solve the issue at hand. In addition, couples often get so wrapped up in arguing over problems that can never really be solved (such as differences in personalities or core beliefs). It is amazing how much time is freed up when couples choose to agree to disagree on these types of issues, and focus on the issues in their relationship that they can actually solve (such as the division of housework).

So how do you change these behaviors and learn to argue in a way that actually strengthens your relationship instead of chips away at it? According to Gottman, one of the keys is to be able to calm yourself when you are feeling overwhelmed with emotions during an argument, as well as know when to call a time-out from the argument (time-outs aren’t just for kids!). Another key is to be able to come back to each other following a disagreement and work to make repairs, such as by expressing appreciation to your partner or apologizing for anything that may have been said strictly out of anger during the disagreement.

As a couples therapist, I coach couples in how to disagree in a healthy way. Believe it or not, when you learn how to do this, your relationship will strengthen as well. Some skills you can learn in couples therapy are how to be mindful of the body language you use during disagreements, how to soothe yourself during arguments, and how to express appreciation for your partner, rather than fixating on the things that you cannot change about them. Through practice, these skills can become second-nature, and can have enormous effects on many areas of your marriage or relationship.

Reference: Gottman, J. M. (1999). The marriage clinic: A scientifically based marital therapy. New York, NY: W. W. Norton & Company, Inc.