Author: Rachel
Boundaries are a good thing!
An Argument for Therapy
Distancer-pursuer dynamics
Teaching Social and Emotional Skills to Deaf Children/Adolescents
Hey y’all,
I recently did a presentation about social and emotional skills development, specific to deaf and hard of hearing children and teens. I’ve included the powerpoint that I used for the presentation below. I pulled information from multiple sources, which I included, and also put some helpful videos into the presentation. Feel free to use it!
To boil the presentation down to its core ideas, the most effective parenting style is what we call authoritative. This style encourages interactions with children, explaining rules and boundaries when appropriate, and high expectations of children tempered with love and more positive feedback than negative. I hit up parenting styles and explained outcomes of those styles first because parents are the shapers of their children’s personalities, for the large part. Parents are the ones who affect and influence their children’s life-long beliefs about the world, who they are, and just how much they can expect to trust others.
I mentioned possible challenges with parenting, especially specific to parents with deaf or hard-of-hearing children. The big three issues that I saw in my years of working with deaf and hard-of-hearing children, teens, and adults has been communication difficulties, disconnected relationships, and poor self-concept. I assume that most people would consider these self-explanatory, so I really aimed at including specific techniques that parents and professionals can immediately use and start to build those skills in their child through modeling and other means.
Non-specific to deaf and hard-of-hearing children are five core areas of social and emotional growth that are important for parents and professionals to address. Again, I’ve included specific interventions, and I also included links to the websites whose materials I drew from and links to related videos. I hope this is helpful for you all. If you have any questions about this material or the presentation, feel free to comment below.
How can I tell if my child is depressed?
Do you know depressed when you see it?
Has your child seemed down lately? Has he or she lost interest in things that he/she used to enjoy doing? Your child may possibly be struggling with depression. We generally have a list of symptoms that we as counselors go by in making this sort of decision. However, if your child has been exhibiting some of the following symptoms recently, that may indicate possible depression:
- Irritable mood
- Sadness
- Changes in appetite
- Changes in activity levels
- Changes in weight or appetite
- Difficulty thinking or making decisions
- Symptoms have to be present for most of the day almost every day for at least two weeks
Additionally, these symptoms need to have caused problems in other areas of life, such as friendships, interactions with family, school, or church. If you suspect that your child may be struggling with depression, please take him/her to go see a counselor. That person can make necessary referrals to other professionals or offer therapeutic services to your child.
What now?
If your child has been diagnosed with depression, perhaps you are wondering what you can do to support him/her. These suggested interventions are obviously going to vary based upon the severity of your child’s depression.
If your child or adolescent is making statements to you such as, “It would be better if I weren’t here”, “Life would be easier without me having to struggle with it”, or “I’m just going to kill myself”; your child is crying out to you for help. These statements and others like it are suicidal ideations- thoughts of suicide and self-harm. It is so important that you address these immediately and seek mental health assistance immediately for your child. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is always open at 1-800-273-8255. Additionally, their website, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ can help you get connected to resources within your local area which can be accessed immediately. And 911 is always available to help in the case of an emergency.
However, for someone who is less depressed, their interventions are going to look different. Certainly take your child or adolescent to go see a doctor or a counselor who works with depression. They may recommend seeing a psychiatrist depending upon the severity of the depression. Many times, however, traditional talk therapy, children’s play therapy, or family counseling are effective treatment pathways.
Strategies to try
Some simple tips that I can extend to you as a parent of a child struggling with depression are to be present as a parent. Take the time to connect with your child, not while watching TV or separately engaged with electronics or phones, but asking them what they would like to do. Go to the park, get a snow cone together, take a walk, play some board games. It doesn’t have to be expensive. This social support is so important for your child or adolescent as they are being treated for depression.
Also, reassure them that it is okay for them to not be okay. I’ve worked with many children who didn’t feel safe being anything but perfect and happy in front of their parents. What a weight it is to have to carry that front around at all times! A parent who creates that space for their child to express their true feelings is a parent who is opening communication lines with their child. And having these open communication lines with your child is so important, especially when you are wanting to talk to them about their feelings, about possibly bullying at school, about their self-concept.
There has to be a sense of security in the relationship that is there before a child will be able to fully open up about difficult things. And if your child is not ready to talk yet, don’t worry! Continue pursuing quality time with them and building the relationship from your end.
For more information about how to deal with childhood depression, I’ve included the link below.
The marital relationship affects children- for better or for worse
I have been wondering after some recent discussions with friends how Frisco, Plano, and the surrounding areas would be different if families focused on growing marriages first before they focused on their children’s interests and extracurricular activities. This suburban area in particular is so kid-centric. I see so many activities that parents can enroll their children in, from sports to coding, A to Z. But I don’t hear much about what the community is doing to strengthen marriages. I do hear a lot about the divorce rate. Generally the relationship comes first, then kids happen second. It’s the rare case that that ever occurs in reverse. So why aren’t we doing more to strengthen the foundational relationship in a marriage so all other relationships, i.e. the kids and other relatives, can flourish out of the health of the first one?
Benefits of a strong marriage for kids
Consider the great examples of a good relationship that can be displayed to your children in a marriage that you are actively developing and breathing life into. Children are able to see what it means to cherish and care for somebody, how to resolve conflict, how to prioritize each other, how to share the load, how to negotiate, how to argue well, how to constantly do the work of marriage.
Imagine the security a child would feel in seeing his parents imperfectly but persistently pursuing each other. What would it be like for your children to see you make mistakes as parents, perhaps emotionally hurting each other as spouses, and then to hear you two make amends? How would they react to seeing you two flirt with each other around the house, even after they are into their teens? (Well, probably act grossed out, let’s be real). But on a deeper level, that is a public display to them of your emotional intimacy and understanding of each others’ needs. But how does a couple even get to this level? What if you are already years into your marriage to each other with children?
Wait, marriage is work?
Doing the work of strengthening a marriage is just that- work. It takes effort; it takes intentionality; it takes time. Rome wasn’t built overnight. So be patient with yourself. It’s also not a one-person effort. I describe trust like a bridge to clients. Imagine each person on either side of a chasm, each slowly building their side out to meet the other’s in the middle. One person can’t do most of the work. It has to be fair. Trust is built through a long series of gives and takes, disclosures, good experiences, and even through bad experiences.
I would say that it is most crucial for couples to understand how to really do relational repair well. This refers to the process by which you reconcile after some sort of hurt, like a breach in trust; a display of negative emotions like anger, frustration, jealousy; or a slowing of a willingness to cooperate with and serve their spouse. It is not easy to approach someone whom you feel either hurt by or whom you are frustrated with.
What do I do when we can’t talk about it?
So where can you start when there is a hurt in your relationship with your spouse? Try taking a look at these fair-fighting-rules. It’s a list of good guidelines, courtesy of therapistaid.com. Something that I would add to the list is to first calm down. When our brains are processing an excess of anger or stress, the areas of our brain which process our fight/flight/freeze reflex become very active. At the same time, our prefrontal cortex, the major part of the brain responsible for logical thought, becomes noticeably less active.
All this is to say that when we are overwhelmed, or flooded, by negative emotions, we cannot think logically. To give yourself the time and the space to cool down before speaking with your spouse is to give your brain the time and capability to think logically, to come up with alternative options and explanations, and allow you to better formulate what is actually bothering you. Being able to have that time also gives you a greater capability to actually hear what your spouse is saying to you when you do talk.
Even though this is difficult (nobody would call this easy!) it is worth it. With each repaired break in your relationship, you become better and better at relating to and understanding your spouse. It’s going to make your marital relationship stronger, because it strengthens the underlying thought that “I can talk to my spouse about difficult things and easy things”.
As an extra bonus, your children will see your conflict resolution techniques and benefit from your example of leaning in towards reconciliation instead of leaning away from a hard situation. It will build their trust in you and their ability to open up to you and be honest. You’re not going to be perfect. It may feel like two steps forward, one step back. But as you are able to be more genuine with your spouse about what is going on, your marriage will grow in trust and intimacy. And your children will learn how to healthfully relate with other people- from your example.
Self-Control and Coping in view of Goals
It seems like everyone sets New Year’s resolutions. Go to the gym. Cook more healthfully. Spend more time with family. Think about the ones that you set this year. Now that we are in August, how many of those resolutions were you successful in keeping? Setting and keeping goals requires a clear, concise plan with achievable and measurable steps, along with self-control and the discipline to follow through on your plan.
Two views on self-control
So, where does “self-control” come from? And what exactly is discipline? Some people call to mind thoughts of dread at homework that had to be done, or a project that was due, or perhaps you think of food or exercise. Whatever the case may be, there are really two schools of thought on self-control. There is the side that considers learning as an ever-continuing endeavor, and self-control or capacity to act as a skill that can continually be expanded upon. One the other hand, there is the group that looks upon self-control like a container that can be emptied or filled, but can never exceed the limits of its capacity. Where do you fall? How would your life be different if you considered yourself capable of increasing your ability to deal with stress instead of continually having to only work on the defensive, meticulously guarding against more stress leaking in?
Coping mechanisms
In either case, we all have to start from somewhere. So, what can you do if you do fall into the latter camp? What then? Well, it starts with realizing that self-control, the ability to deal with stress whether good or bad, is a skill. Just like any skill, it can be sharpened and improved upon. But how do we improve upon these skills?
Developing and utilizing effective coping mechanisms is one major way that we can do this. But “coping” can mean reaching for a carton of ice cream after a breakup; a second, third, or fourth bottle of beer after a hard day; a blade for your own body when you need to feel something for once; or a variety of other methods of coping that really don’t benefit us in the long term, no matter how much we feel it helps us in the moment. In the end, we can’t truthfully call these effective coping mechanisms. What will be effective for you is not necessarily what will work for others- we are unique human beings. You may need to try more than one thing before you strike upon something that works for you. And I’m also not saying that breaking the bondage of past, ineffective coping skills is going to be easy. Our brains have gotten used to our habits.
Our brains as creatures of habit
As we repeat actions and attitudes, our brain forms stronger and stronger neuro-pathways, wiring our brain to be primed for that action. I think of neuroconnections like a path through the woods; the more times you tread that path, the less and less grass and foliage will tend to grow there. The dirt will slowly become exposed. But unlike the path through the woods, which given enough time will eventually regrow and conceal the fact that the path was ever there, the brain retains those neuro-pathways. However, there is still hope. Those negative pathways can become weaker with disuse. The way to further weaken your old tendencies is to form and reinforce newer, more positive habits in its place.
Finding effective, healthy coping skills
How do you decide even which way to go as far as selecting a positive coping mechanism to pursue? Think about your interests. Was there a subject in school that you were particularly fascinated by? Are there any outdoorsy or physical activities which you enjoy? Do you enjoy viewing or making art; or perhaps composing or listening to music? Who makes up your support system? Family, friends, even pets can be included in this emotional support of you. Which calming exercises have you tried before?
If we allow our view of our capabilities to be overwhelmed by the stressors of everyday life, we will easily feel out of control and overwhelmed. However, if we are able to keep our initial vision in mind, utilize effective coping mechanisms, and continue to step (even falteringly) towards our goals, then you can start to claim success, however modest.
Loving yourself through low self-esteem
I have a friend who is currently looking to buy a house. He found one that he loved- hardwood floors, beautiful layout, natural stone fireplace, and many large windows that filled the house with light. He then hired a professional to come out and inspect the house for him. Disappointingly, he discovered that the house, although beautiful, had serious foundation issues. He is now considering his next steps. Although he fell in love with the house, the previous owner had concealed some serious problems.
Now, imagine if those foundation issues had gone unaddressed. Cracking walls, doors that won’t shut, or shifting beams in a house are serious problems. Would a good contractor advise him to spackle and paint over the cracks, saw the doors down so they would shut, and try to push the beams back into place? Of course not. A good contractor would advise that the house’s foundation be examined and repaired. In the same way, to really see lasting change within yourself and within others, we have to dig below the symptoms of “low self-esteem” and examine where these negative beliefs of self-worth have come from. In addition, to see lasting change, you have to address and repair those underlying beliefs.
Where does low self-esteem come from?
So often, people who have been withheld love or acceptance from an important figure during childhood, or who have experienced abuse or trauma at any point, carry this fundamental belief deep inside themselves- that they are not worthy of love from others. And if they are not worthy of this love from others, then they would be wrong to extend it to themselves. Experiencing write-off from others, neglect, or abuse becomes in a sense a very reinforcing experience. Having these negative interactions with others very clearly and logically follows the internalized belief of I am not lovable. While it makes us sad, it is not surprising.
Kindness from others can become the surprising event. It doesn’t fit within our paradigm. A compliment about our appearance, a simple thank you note, even love from a spouse can be turned down or discounted because it clashes with this internal script. This phenomenon is what we term low self-esteem. It’s not something that can be solved with more praise, more love, etc. It’s something that has to be addressed at the ground floor: our internal self-talk.
Your self-talk
How you treat yourself matters. What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror? When you meet someone new? When you are asked to lead a meeting at work? How about when you say something awkward? When you make a mistake that was seen by people you respect? When you lose your temper with someone you love? What do you say to yourself? Do you hear things like Gosh, you’ve put on some weight. Wow, that was stupid. How could you do that?! You’re not going to find somebody who loves you. Whew. Imagine saying those lines out loud in front of a good friend. What would they be saying to you? Those things sure sound cruel, like a bully. Wouldn’t you be giving your friend more of a break, the benefit of the doubt?
How do you think you would respond to a daily litany of these put-downs? Depression, anger, a lack of motivation for starters, perhaps. Maybe these types of statements have been just enough discouragement for you to decide not to pursue a dream or a strong desire you have had. For some people, this internal dialog is strong enough to push them into harming themselves. Our thoughts are powerful tools; ones that we can turn to use to our own advantage.
Learning to lean toward the positive
What would happen if you suddenly had this discouraging internal voice replaced by an encouraging, kind voice? What would you do? Which new experiences would you try? How would you be different? What would other people notice? Our brains are hardwired to be attuned to what is negative in our lives. It takes concerted effort and sustained practice to change how we think, and in turn change how we feel and act.
Something that seems silly that I often use with clients who are looking to address low self-esteem are personal statements. I ask the person to write out statements about themselves. These statements not only encompass their roles, but also their characteristics. They are meant to get below the surface level (ie, “I am a teacher” or “I am a woman”) to the core of who that person is and their worth (ie, “I care deeply about others”, “I am interesting and worth getting to know”, or “I would be missed if I was gone”). Oftentimes in our work together, my clients find it hard to formulate these self-statements. Many times, they won’t believe the statements about themselves, especially the positive ones. However, that doesn’t mean that they are not true.
An action plan: Giving kindness a try
Having preached to themselves for years about their lack of self-worth, lovableness, or dignity as a person, saying positive statements about their core self feel like lies. Because this message has been so internalized, it is going to take quite a bit of effort to build in this new idea of a positive view of the self.
Many times, I will ask my clients to write down these true and positive statements about themselves and repeat them aloud several times daily while looking at themselves squarely in the mirror. While it may been fake or weird, this exercise is helping to build new pathways in the brain through speech production, hearing, seeing, and being present in the moment while going through the novel and positive self-statements. It is one of many ways that you can begin to address the underlying structures below low self-esteem. If you have been struggling with feelings of low self-esteem, give this method a try!
Additionally, remember the best friend test. The next time you are mentally berating yourself, consider if you would say that same thing aloud to a friend. If not, you may be judging yourself too harshly, with shame. And shame never motivates someone towards positive growth. Remember- extend kindness to yourself, not only to others.