Suicidal thoughts and depression are something I have encountered in my work far too often. In our society, these deeply troubling thoughts are sometimes made into a joke, perhaps reflecting how painful the subject is to take seriously. Just this week, I heard a teenager in the mall say to his friend, “Go kill yourself!” Before I met people genuinely struggling with this, I hardly would have noticed such a statement, but now I carefully observed. His friend laughed, brushing it off, and they carried on with their business.
I remember the first time I met the parent of a suicidal child. How defensive she seemed, how vulnerable she was. It was as if she was paralyzed by the weight of this burden. What was so amazing to me was that, in a very real sense, the burden she carried was her child’s, not hers. Her daughter had been living with this burden every day for months, maybe even years, and her mom could hardly stand to be exposed to it for a few weeks. This, more than anything else I have noticed, shows how powerful these emotions are, not how weak a person is, which is an often taken stance on suicidal thoughts. This happens far too much in relationships.
How People Usually Approach Vulnerable People
When a person is aware somebody might be feeling a strong emotion, they tend to avoid them. This can be explained away as a benevolent action, saying, “This person just needs space”. What I have come to believe is that these reasons for avoiding this person are more easily explained as a result of our own discomfort. It’s deceptively introspective, really. Being aware that they don’t like feeling bad, contact with these situations are avoided.
Another approach commonly used is to attempt to fix the other person. You may come to the person with a lot of ideas about how to make them feel better. You might say, “They are in a better place” to a person grieving, or “It could be worse” to the depressed. These band-aid statements serve to soothe you more than the vulnerable. I cannot stress this enough, these actions serve a purpose and are very common. It’s just that the purpose it serves is to take care of yourself. It is common because it is easier than listening. So while these approaches may help to some degree, what does it do for the vulnerable person?
These band-aid statements serve to soothe you more than the vulnerable.
These acts of self-protection serve to isolate vulnerable people. If you know somebody who is in a vulnerable position, whether they are struggling with suicidal thoughts, grieving a loss, or they are depressed, and they aren’t sure they know why, examine yourself. Whatever it is that you are doing or not doing, is it for you or is it for them? If you aren’t sure, it is probably for you.
So what should you do?
A good place to start is by bringing up the difficult circumstance you are trying to avoid. Then, it doesn’t hurt to mention your own discomfort and feelings, though, as always, be careful not to make the whole conversation about you. It may even help for the vulnerable to hear that somebody else feels uncertain about where to go from here. If you know a grieving person, you could say, “I was so sorry to hear that you lost your child, and I don’t really know what to say or do, but do you mind if I bring you lunch one day?”
Be careful not to make the whole conversation about you.
By saying something like this, you keep from avoiding the situation and let the vulnerable person know that you are ready to listen and simply be with them. You are putting yourself out there and letting them know that you are available to them to lean on. In a way, you are being emotionally brave. By being a companion to the vulnerable, standing alongside them during difficulty, you allow them to to help you understand what can be meaningful to them right now. It truly becomes about them instead of about us. If you feel uncomfortable, talk to someone you trust about how difficult it is for you, and remember that it is okay to feel that way. It is not easy being brave.
So listen more than you talk, know your intentions for approaching or not approaching a vulnerable person, and don’t be afraid to talk about how you are reacting to the situation with somebody else. Remember that even your best intentions can be misunderstood and be prepared to adjust your approach. Becoming emotionally brave is worth it.