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The marital relationship affects children- for better or for worse

Posted on August 26, 2016January 25, 2017 by Rachel

I have been wondering after some recent discussions with friends how Frisco, Plano, and the surrounding areas would be different if families focused on growing marriages first before they focused on their children’s interests and extracurricular activities. This suburban area in particular is so kid-centric. I see so many activities that parents can enroll their children in, from sports to coding, A to Z. But I don’t hear much about what the community is doing to strengthen marriages. I do hear a lot about the divorce rate. Generally the relationship comes first, then kids happen second. It’s the rare case that that ever occurs in reverse. So why aren’t we doing more to strengthen the foundational relationship in a marriage so all other relationships, i.e. the kids and other relatives, can flourish out of the health of the first one?

Benefits of a strong marriage for kids

Consider the great examples of a good relationship that can be displayed to your children in a marriage that you are actively developing and breathing life into. Children are able to see what it means to cherish and care for somebody, how to resolve conflict, how to prioritize each other, how to share the load, how to negotiate, how to argue well, how to constantly do the work of marriage.

Imagine the security a child would feel in seeing his parents imperfectly but persistently pursuing each other. What would it be like for your children to see you make mistakes as parents, perhaps emotionally hurting each other as spouses, and then to hear you two make amends? How would they react to seeing you two flirt with each other around the house, even after they are into their teens? (Well, probably act grossed out, let’s be real). But on a deeper level, that is a public display to them of your emotional intimacy and understanding of each others’ needs. But how does a couple even get to this level? What if you are already years into your marriage to each other with children?

Wait, marriage is work?

Doing the work of strengthening a marriage is just that- work. It takes effort; it takes intentionality; it takes time. Rome wasn’t built overnight. So be patient with yourself. It’s also not a one-person effort. I describe trust like a bridge to clients. Imagine each person on either side of a chasm, each slowly building their side out to meet the other’s in the middle. One person can’t do most of the work. It has to be fair. Trust is built through a long series of gives and takes, disclosures, good experiences, and even through bad experiences.

I would say that it is most crucial for couples to understand how to really do relational repair well. This refers to the process by which you reconcile after some sort of hurt, like a breach in trust; a display of negative emotions like anger, frustration, jealousy; or a slowing of a willingness to cooperate with and serve their spouse. It is not easy to approach someone whom you feel either hurt by or whom you are frustrated with.

What do I do when we can’t talk about it?

So where can you start when there is a hurt in your relationship with your spouse? Try taking a look at these fair-fighting-rules. It’s a list of good guidelines, courtesy of therapistaid.com. Something that I would add to the list is to first calm down. When our brains are processing an excess of anger or stress, the areas of our brain which process our fight/flight/freeze reflex become very active. At the same time, our prefrontal cortex, the major part of the brain responsible for logical thought, becomes noticeably less active.

All this is to say that when we are overwhelmed, or flooded, by negative emotions, we cannot think logically. To give yourself the time and the space to cool down before speaking with your spouse is to give your brain the time and capability to think logically, to come up with alternative options and explanations, and allow you to better formulate what is actually bothering you. Being able to have that time also gives you a greater capability to actually hear what your spouse is saying to you when you do talk.

Even though this is difficult (nobody would call this easy!) it is worth it. With each repaired break in your relationship, you become better and better at relating to and understanding your spouse. It’s going to make your marital relationship stronger, because it strengthens the underlying thought that “I can talk to my spouse about difficult things and easy things”.

As an extra bonus, your children will see your conflict resolution techniques and benefit from your example of leaning in towards reconciliation instead of leaning away from a hard situation. It will build their trust in you and their ability to open up to you and be honest. You’re not going to be perfect. It may feel like two steps forward, one step back. But as you are able to be more genuine with your spouse about what is going on, your marriage will grow in trust and intimacy. And your children will learn how to healthfully relate with other people- from your example.

Self-Control and Coping in view of Goals

Posted on August 26, 2016January 25, 2017 by Rachel

It seems like everyone sets New Year’s resolutions. Go to the gym. Cook more healthfully. Spend more time with family. Think about the ones that you set this year. Now that we are in August, how many of those resolutions were you successful in keeping? Setting and keeping goals requires a clear, concise plan with achievable and measurable steps, along with self-control and the discipline to follow through on your plan.

Two views on self-control

So, where does “self-control” come from? And what exactly is discipline? Some people call to mind thoughts of dread at homework that had to be done, or a project that was due, or perhaps you think of food or exercise. Whatever the case may be, there are really two schools of thought on self-control. There is the side that considers learning as an ever-continuing endeavor, and self-control or capacity to act as a skill that can continually be expanded upon. One the other hand, there is the group that looks upon self-control like a container that can be emptied or filled, but can never exceed the limits of its capacity. Where do you fall? How would your life be different if you considered yourself capable of increasing your ability to deal with stress instead of continually having to only work on the defensive, meticulously guarding against more stress leaking in?

Coping mechanisms

In either case, we all have to start from somewhere. So, what can you do if you do fall into the latter camp? What then? Well, it starts with realizing that self-control, the ability to deal with stress whether good or bad, is a skill. Just like any skill, it can be sharpened and improved upon. But how do we improve upon these skills?

Developing and utilizing effective coping mechanisms is one major way that we can do this. But “coping” can mean reaching for a carton of ice cream after a breakup; a second, third, or fourth bottle of beer after a hard day; a blade for your own body when you need to feel something for once; or a variety of other methods of coping that really don’t benefit us in the long term, no matter how much we feel it helps us in the moment. In the end, we can’t truthfully call these effective coping mechanisms. What will be effective for you is not necessarily what will work for others- we are unique human beings. You may need to try more than one thing before you strike upon something that works for you. And I’m also not saying that breaking the bondage of past, ineffective coping skills is going to be easy. Our brains have gotten used to our habits.

Our brains as creatures of habit

As we repeat actions and attitudes, our brain forms stronger and stronger neuro-pathways, wiring our brain to be primed for that action. I think of neuroconnections like a path through the woods; the more times you tread that path, the less and less grass and foliage will tend to grow there. The dirt will slowly become exposed. But unlike the path through the woods, which given enough time will eventually regrow and conceal the fact that the path was ever there, the brain retains those neuro-pathways. However, there is still hope. Those negative pathways can become weaker with disuse. The way to further weaken your old tendencies is to form and reinforce newer, more positive habits in its place.

Finding effective, healthy coping skills

How do you decide even which way to go as far as selecting a positive coping mechanism to pursue? Think about your interests. Was there a subject in school that you were particularly fascinated by? Are there any outdoorsy or physical activities which you enjoy? Do you enjoy viewing or making art; or perhaps composing or listening to music? Who makes up your support system? Family, friends, even pets can be included in this emotional support of you. Which calming exercises have you tried before?

If we allow our view of our capabilities to be overwhelmed by the stressors of everyday life, we will easily feel out of control and overwhelmed. However, if we are able to keep our initial vision in mind, utilize effective coping mechanisms, and continue to step (even falteringly) towards our goals, then you can start to claim success, however modest.

Loving yourself through low self-esteem

Posted on August 26, 2016January 25, 2017 by Rachel

I have a friend who is currently looking to buy a house. He found one that he loved- hardwood floors, beautiful layout, natural stone fireplace, and many large windows that filled the house with light. He then hired a professional to come out and inspect the house for him. Disappointingly, he discovered that the house, although beautiful, had serious foundation issues. He is now considering his next steps. Although he fell in love with the house, the previous owner had concealed some serious problems.

Now, imagine if those foundation issues had gone unaddressed. Cracking walls, doors that won’t shut, or shifting beams in a house are serious problems. Would a good contractor advise him to spackle and paint over the cracks, saw the doors down so they would shut, and try to push the beams back into place? Of course not. A good contractor would advise that the house’s foundation be examined and repaired. In the same way, to really see lasting change within yourself and within others, we have to dig below the symptoms of “low self-esteem” and examine where these negative beliefs of self-worth have come from. In addition, to see lasting change, you have to address and repair those underlying beliefs.

Where does low self-esteem come from?

So often, people who have been withheld love or acceptance from an important figure during childhood, or who have experienced abuse or trauma at any point, carry this fundamental belief deep inside themselves- that they are not worthy of love from others. And if they are not worthy of this love from others, then they would be wrong to extend it to themselves. Experiencing write-off from others, neglect, or abuse becomes in a sense a very reinforcing experience. Having these negative interactions with others very clearly and logically follows the internalized belief of I am not lovable. While it makes us sad, it is not surprising.

Kindness from others can become the surprising event. It doesn’t fit within our paradigm. A compliment about our appearance, a simple thank you note, even love from a spouse can be turned down or discounted because it clashes with this internal script. This phenomenon is what we term low self-esteem. It’s not something that can be solved with more praise, more love, etc. It’s something that has to be addressed at the ground floor: our internal self-talk.

Your self-talk

How you treat yourself matters. What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror? When you meet someone new? When you are asked to lead a meeting at work? How about when you say something awkward? When you make a mistake that was seen by people you respect? When you lose your temper with someone you love? What do you say to yourself? Do you hear things like Gosh, you’ve put on some weight. Wow, that was stupid. How could you do that?! You’re not going to find somebody who loves you. Whew. Imagine saying those lines out loud in front of a good friend. What would they be saying to you? Those things sure sound cruel, like a bully. Wouldn’t you be giving your friend more of a break, the benefit of the doubt?

How do you think you would respond to a daily litany of these put-downs? Depression, anger, a lack of motivation for starters, perhaps. Maybe these types of statements have been just enough discouragement for you to decide not to pursue a dream or a strong desire you have had. For some people, this internal dialog is strong enough to push them into harming themselves. Our thoughts are powerful tools; ones that we can turn to use to our own advantage.

Learning to lean toward the positive

What would happen if you suddenly had this discouraging internal voice replaced by an encouraging, kind voice? What would you do? Which new experiences would you try? How would you be different? What would other people notice? Our brains are hardwired to be attuned to what is negative in our lives. It takes concerted effort and sustained practice to change how we think, and in turn change how we feel and act.

Something that seems silly that I often use with clients who are looking to address low self-esteem are personal statements. I ask the person to write out statements about themselves. These statements not only encompass their roles, but also their characteristics. They are meant to get below the surface level (ie, “I am a teacher” or “I am a woman”) to the core of who that person is and their worth (ie, “I care deeply about others”, “I am interesting and worth getting to know”, or “I would be missed if I was gone”). Oftentimes in our work together, my clients find it hard to formulate these self-statements. Many times, they won’t believe the statements about themselves, especially the positive ones. However, that doesn’t mean that they are not true.

An action plan: Giving kindness a try

Having preached to themselves for years about their lack of self-worth, lovableness, or dignity as a person, saying positive statements about their core self feel like lies. Because this message has been so internalized, it is going to take quite a bit of effort to build in this new idea of a positive view of the self.

Many times, I will ask my clients to write down these true and positive statements about themselves and repeat them aloud several times daily while looking at themselves squarely in the mirror. While it may been fake or weird, this exercise is helping to build new pathways in the brain through speech production, hearing, seeing, and being present in the moment while going through the novel and positive self-statements. It is one of many ways that you can begin to address the underlying structures below low self-esteem. If you have been struggling with feelings of low self-esteem, give this method a try!

Additionally, remember the best friend test. The next time you are mentally berating yourself, consider if you would say that same thing aloud to a friend. If not, you may be judging yourself too harshly, with shame. And shame never motivates someone towards positive growth. Remember- extend kindness to yourself, not only to others.

Mindfully addressing stress

Posted on August 26, 2016January 25, 2017 by Rachel

“Just relax!” How many times have you heard that one? And just how helpful was it? Probably just made you feel more stressed! So what do we do?

How stress affects us

Stress has such a holistic approach to our bodies. And not in a good way. It can affect us emotionally, physically, and mentally. We can get to where we feel fatigued on a regular basis, develop ulcers, have constant headaches, or become sick more often. Stress can cause us to develop “scatter brain”, having a difficult time remembering or keeping track of tasks. It can keep us from sleeping with racing thoughts, or induce much more sleep than usual with depression. It certainly can cause us to more easily lose our temper, feel sad, feel hopeless, or wish for an escape of some kind. And those emotions can and often do lead to some sort of coping mechanism to address them. I’ve heard of a whole range of coping mechanisms: exercise, alcohol, excessive shopping, cell phones, video games, cooking, marijuana, talking with a friend, sex, listening to music, reading, food, self-harm, journaling, crying, exploding at others, or a host of other responses.

How to address stress?

Now, of course some of these responses are going to be more or less desirable/helpful than others. The goal of stress reduction is to figure out how to either reduce the source of stress that has been steeping its flavor into our lives, or to discover how to increase our capacity to respond in healthy ways to that stress. Using unhealthy coping mechanisms, while they feel helpful in the moment, only serve to increase your stress over the long term.

Decreasing stress externally

One of the ways to address and manage stress in your life is to evaluate things in your environment which could be changed. Could household chores be divided differently? Could you afford to clean less or take shortcuts for your peace of mind? What is your job like? Are you in a toxic environment at work? Is there a support system of people who you could tap into to help you, or do you need to evaluate the long-term effects of keeping that job on your mental health and sanity? Getting some sunshine and a bit of exercise every day has been proven to boost mood, as has getting proper nutrition and hydration levels. Managing your environment may be a viable way to reduce your stress levels.

Decreasing stress internally

What does the inside of your head sound like to you? Are you your own worst critic, berating yourself for supposed stupid mistakes or things you said? Where is your kindness towards yourself? Maybe you find yourself worrying, and worrying, and worrying until your thoughts are a frantic freight train racing through your mind, day and night. I use this question for my clients who struggle here: If a friend was telling you about the exact problem you are telling me, would you scold them for thinking/feeling such things? 90% of the time, the answer is no, I would reassure them that this is only temporary, that they will do better next time. And yet, people often have a strong argument for why they don’t deserve this same kindness towards themselves. Please, argue against these thoughts! Use logic to fight against these intrusive thoughts! And remember to be kind to yourself. Give yourself a break for mistakes or awkward moments. You are only human.

Additional Resources

We have compiled a list of books, apps, and other resources that may be helpful tools as you try different ways to healthfully manage your stress:

Books

The Mindful Brain by Daniel J. Siegel

Mindfulness: An Eight-Week Plan for Finding Peace in a Frantic World by Mark Williams,Danny Penman, & Jon Kabat-Zinn

Mindsight: The New Science of Personal Transformation by Daniel J. Siegel

Hardwiring Happiness: The New Brain Science of Contentment, Calm, and Confidence

by Rick Hanson

Videos

TED Talk: How to Make Stress Your Friend: https://youtu.be/RcGyVTAoXEU

TED Talk: Generation Stress: From Surviving to Thriving: https://youtu.be/7jRND5IU3Qg

CALM: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JK-dmKLFGnw

Overcoming Bad Inner Voices: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gGuZVuUBeiQ

Self Compassion: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-kfUE41-JFw

Apps

Virtual Hope Box (Free)

Stress Check (Free)

Stop, Breathe, & Think (Free)

Mindfulness Daily ($1.99)

Buddify- Mindfulness to Go ($2.99)

Calm- Meditate, Sleep, Relax (Free)

Sleepfulness (Free)

Headspace (Free)

Not every way of dealing with stress works for everybody; you may need to try quite a few different things before striking upon something that works well for you. Working with a counselor can also help to clarify and sharpen your goals and skills in stress management. What has worked well for you in the past to really calm down and cope with stressful situations? Let me know,

-Rachel

Which mental health professional is right for me?

Posted on August 26, 2016August 30, 2016 by Rachel

When first needed to go see a counselor, I discovered that there are in fact many different types of therapists, counselors, and mental health professionals. It was a bit overwhelming. I’d like to take this post to share what knowledge I’ve gleaned with you, and perhaps help you in choosing which mental health professional is the best fit for your situation. This list is not ranked in any special order. While this information is not all-inclusive, as each professional and position varies in its specialties, I believe this list gives a good general delineation of the variety within mental health providers:

LMFT and LMFT-A:

A Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist must have a Master’s degree from an accredited university, with coursework focused on

Theoretical foundations
Human development
Family studies
Multicultural and gender issues
MFT assessment and treatment
Professional ethics
Applied professional research
Psychopathology

Upon the completion of this coursework, the person must complete at least a 300 hour internship, after which they can take the licensure exam for MFT’s. Upon passing, they become an LMFT-A, or Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist Associate. This means that they have to complete 3,000 hours of work supervised by an LMFT-Supervisor. Half of the hours they complete in therapy, directly interacting with clients, must be with families, couples, or just two or more people who are either in the same household or related. When those hours are completed, they can then become a fully-licensed LMFT.

LMFT’s are trained to look at situations from a systemic point of view- to take in all parties contributing to the situation and examining the interactions and their effects on the client or clients. They are trained to work with families, groups, and individuals. Some pursue further specialties.

LPC and LPC-Intern:

A Licensed Professional Counselor must complete at least a Master’s degree in an accredited program. Their courses must cover a wide variety of topics including but not limited to:

Normal human growth and development
Counseling theories
Appraisal or assessment techniques
Counseling methods or techniques
Research
Social, cultural, and family issues
Lifestyle and career development

LPC’s must complete at least a 300 hour internship before the completion of their program, and then must test and pass a licensure examination before becoming an LPC-Intern. An LPC-Intern must complete 3,000 hours of work supervised by an LPC-Supervisor before they are eligible to become fully licensed as an LPC.

Most LPC’s are trained in individual counseling techniques. However, some choose to pursue specialties in doing group sessions, play therapy, or school counseling.

LCDC:

A Licensed Chemical Dependency Counselor is a bit of a different breed than an LMFT or LPC. To qualify, you must have at least an associate’s degree, complete 270 classroom hours of chemical dependency education, complete a 300 hour internship, then complete 4,000 hours of supervised work and take the licensing exam.

Their specific roles, while they vary by the setting, may include individual counseling, group counseling, and psychoeducation to families as they walk with clients towards the road to recovery from addictions.

Social Worker:

There are basically three existing levels now: Licensed Baccalaureate Social Worker (LBSW), Licensed Master Social Worker (LMSW), and Licensed Clinical Social Worker (LCSW). These are associated with their level of education, their specialty, and the amount of internship and supervision they have received. However, only a person holding a LCSW can provide clinical social work services, referring to more along the lines of counseling. Their training includes areas of education such as:

Theories of biological, psychological, and social development
Diversity and cultural competency
Interpersonal relationships
Mental disorders
Addictions
Impacts of illness, trauma, or injury
Effects of the physical, social, and cultural environment

Social Workers work in a wide variety of settings, including schools, hospitals, state agencies, foster care, CPS, group homes, adoption agencies, and more.

School Counselor:

A School Counselor is required to have a Master’s degree from an accredited school that offers coursework specific to school counseling. Additionally, they are required to already have two years of teaching in a classroom under their belt. Finally, they have to pass a licensure exam in order to gain their license.

Their work centers around the students within a school. Their duties include group sessions, speaking to classes on topics such as anti-bullying, creating and implementing school schedules, providing counseling to students as needed and giving referrals for outside mental health resources as required.

Psychologist:

The track for becoming a psychologist is similar to the others in that they require internship hours and supervised work, but a Psychologist is different in that they must obtain a PhD in order to practice. Their practice may include research, teaching, therapy, and/or assessments.

Psychiatrist:

A Psychiatrist is also required to have a PhD in order to practice. He/she is either an M.D. or a D.O. specializing in diagnosis and treatment of mental disorders. They are able to prescribe psychiatric medications, and commonly work in hospitals, private practices, and agencies. Some may even go on to pursue other specialties such as

Neuropsychology
Child and adolescent psychiatry
Addiction psychiatry
Pain medicine
and others

Psychiatric Nurse:

A Psychiatric Nurse typically completes the necessary training to become an RN first, then pursues additional training to gain the skills necessary to diagnose mental disorders, develop treatment plans, treat these disorders, and some may even be able to prescribe medication. Their education can terminate with a MA or a PhD, depending upon their specialty and their interests.