Category: Depression

Becoming Emotionally Brave

Posted on by Kevin Mimms

Suicidal thoughts and depression are something I have encountered in my work far too often. In our society, these deeply troubling thoughts are sometimes made into a joke, perhaps reflecting how painful the subject is to take seriously. Just this week, I heard a teenager in the mall say to his friend, “Go kill yourself!” Before I met people genuinely struggling with this, I hardly would have noticed such a statement, but now I carefully observed. His friend laughed, brushing it off, and they carried on with their business.

I remember the first time I met the parent of a suicidal child. How defensive she seemed, how vulnerable she was. It was as if she was paralyzed by the weight of this burden. What was so amazing to me was that, in a very real sense, the burden she carried was her child’s, not hers. Her daughter had been living with this burden every day for months, maybe even years, and her mom could hardly stand to be exposed to it for a few weeks. This, more than anything else I have noticed, shows how powerful these emotions are, not how weak a person is, which is an often taken stance on suicidal thoughts. This happens far too much in relationships.

How People Usually Approach Vulnerable People

When a person is aware somebody might be feeling a strong emotion, they tend to avoid them. This can be explained away as a benevolent action, saying, “This person just needs space”. What I have come to believe is that these reasons for avoiding this person are more easily explained as a result of our own discomfort. It’s deceptively introspective, really. Being aware that they don’t like feeling bad, contact with these situations are avoided.

Another approach commonly used is to attempt to fix the other person. You may come to the person with a lot of ideas about how to make them feel better. You might say, “They are in a better place” to a person grieving, or “It could be worse” to the depressed. These band-aid statements serve to soothe you more than the vulnerable. I cannot stress this enough, these actions serve a purpose and are very common. It’s just that the purpose it serves is to take care of yourself. It is common because it is easier than listening. So while these approaches may help to some degree, what does it do for the vulnerable person?

These band-aid statements serve to soothe you more than the vulnerable.

These acts of self-protection serve to isolate vulnerable people. If you know somebody who is in a vulnerable position, whether they are struggling with suicidal thoughts, grieving a loss, or they are depressed, and they aren’t sure they know why, examine yourself. Whatever it is that you are doing or not doing, is it for you or is it for them? If you aren’t sure, it is probably for you.

So what should you do?

A good place to start is by bringing up the difficult circumstance you are trying to avoid. Then, it doesn’t hurt to mention your own discomfort and feelings, though, as always, be careful not to make the whole conversation about you. It may even help for the vulnerable to hear that somebody else feels uncertain about where to go from here. If you know a grieving person, you could say, “I was so sorry to hear that you lost your child, and I don’t really know what to say or do, but do you mind if I bring you lunch one day?”

Be careful not to make the whole conversation about you.

By saying something like this, you keep from avoiding the situation and let the vulnerable person know that you are ready to listen and simply be with them. You are putting yourself out there and letting them know that you are available to them to lean on. In a way, you are being emotionally brave. By being a companion to the vulnerable, standing alongside them during difficulty, you allow them to to help you understand what can be meaningful to them right now. It truly becomes about them instead of about us. If you feel uncomfortable, talk to someone you trust about how difficult it is for you, and remember that it is okay to feel that way. It is not easy being brave.

So listen more than you talk, know your intentions for approaching or not approaching a vulnerable person, and don’t be afraid to talk about how you are reacting to the situation with somebody else. Remember that even your best intentions can be misunderstood and be prepared to adjust your approach. Becoming emotionally brave is worth it.

 

 

How can I tell if my child is depressed?

How can I tell if my child is depressed?

Posted on by Rachel

Do you know depressed when you see it?

Has your child seemed down lately? Has he or she lost interest in things that he/she used to enjoy doing? Your child may possibly be struggling with depression. We generally have a list of symptoms that we as counselors go by in making this sort of decision. However, if your child has been exhibiting some of the following symptoms recently, that may indicate possible depression:

  • Irritable mood
  • Sadness
  • Changes in appetite
  • Changes in activity levels
  • Changes in weight or appetite
  • Difficulty thinking or making decisions
  • Symptoms have to be present for most of the day almost every day for at least two weeks

Additionally, these symptoms need to have caused problems in other areas of life, such as friendships, interactions with family, school, or church. If you suspect that your child may be struggling with depression, please take him/her to go see a counselor. That person can make necessary referrals to other professionals or offer therapeutic services to your child.

What now?

If your child has been diagnosed with depression, perhaps you are wondering what you can do to support him/her. These suggested interventions are obviously going to vary based upon the severity of your child’s depression.

If your child or adolescent is making statements to you such as, “It would be better if I weren’t here”, “Life would be easier without me having to struggle with it”, or “I’m just going to kill myself”; your child is crying out to you for help. These statements and others like it are suicidal ideations- thoughts of suicide and self-harm. It is so important that you address these immediately and seek mental health assistance immediately for your child. The National Suicide Prevention Lifeline is always open at 1-800-273-8255. Additionally, their website, http://www.suicidepreventionlifeline.org/ can help you get connected to resources within your local area which can be accessed immediately. And 911 is always available to help in the case of an emergency.

However, for someone who is less depressed, their interventions are going to look different. Certainly take your child or adolescent to go see a doctor or a counselor who works with depression. They may recommend seeing a psychiatrist depending upon the severity of the depression. Many times, however, traditional talk therapy, children’s play therapy, or family counseling are effective treatment pathways.

Strategies to try

Some simple tips that I can extend to you as a parent of a child struggling with depression are to be present as a parent. Take the time to connect with your child, not while watching TV or separately engaged with electronics or phones, but asking them what they would like to do. Go to the park, get a snow cone together, take a walk, play some board games. It doesn’t have to be expensive. This social support is so important for your child or adolescent as they are being treated for depression.

Also, reassure them that it is okay for them to not be okay. I’ve worked with many children who didn’t feel safe being anything but perfect and happy in front of their parents. What a weight it is to have to carry that front around at all times! A parent who creates that space for their child to express their true feelings is a parent who is opening communication lines with their child. And having these open communication lines with your child is so important, especially when you are wanting to talk to them about their feelings, about possibly bullying at school, about their self-concept.

There has to be a sense of security in the relationship that is there before a child will be able to fully open up about difficult things. And if your child is not ready to talk yet, don’t worry! Continue pursuing quality time with them and building the relationship from your end.

For more information about how to deal with childhood depression, I’ve included the link below.

https://www.healthychildren.org/English/health-issues/conditions/emotional-problems/Pages/Childhood-Depression-What-Parents-Can-Do-To-Help.aspx