The stories you tell your children about them matter. Stories that are recalled first by you to your children at times that seem good for teaching, but gradually broaden to act as a warning or comparison to other examples. These broader examples inform children of the meaning and implications of these stories.
Consider what stories you tell your children. Consider how they may hear those stories about themselves. Consider the effect your words have on their young minds. To demonstrate what I mean, allow me to use an example from my own life. My daughter, when she was young, was a fantastic sleeper. Within her first month, she slept through the night, up to twelve hours sometimes. My son, however, was not a good sleeper. It took him several months before he slept through the night and he never has slept the twelve hour stretches our daughter would. Now, let me consider some different ways this fact, this part of their lives could be told by me to them later in life, changing and festering from a simple statement of fact to a damaging and vague description.
Why Does It Matter?
As they grow up, I could remember how my daughter slept better than my son. Maybe I would even mention it to them. After all, it is a factual statement about them as infants. However, over time, it is very understandable how what begins as simple fact becomes more vague. You may even forget how specific the factual example is. When I remember that she slept better as a baby, I may say to my son that he never slept as well as her. Though it is possible to reach a conclusion that would be damaging from this statement alone, it is unlikely that he would think about it any more than just that time. However, as this story is repeated by various members of the family, it becomes less of a singular fact describing his infancy, instead joining the narrative that defines who he is to others.
From there, the shifts become progressively more damaging as they become more vague. Beginning with the thought that my son did not sleep as well as his sister, it may shift to a more general, but similar thought of being a harder baby than his sister. While I am thinking about how he was a harder baby than his sister, it is easier to notice other ways that raising him is harder than raising her. So what began as my daughter sleeping better than him turns into him being harder to raise. A natural progression in description; a massive impact in meaning.
What Now?
My urge is this: think of the stories you tell your children about their raising. Have they always been that way? Are they vague? Are they helpful? Your answers to these questions may help you recognize uncertainty and shame your children feel. My suggestion to begin to alleviate this is to open the subject up to your children. What stories do they remember? What do they mean? If you have young children, how do you explain your experiences with them growing up? Can you think of things you will remember fondly of them from this time period? Tell them!
