I have a friend who is currently looking to buy a house. He found one that he loved- hardwood floors, beautiful layout, natural stone fireplace, and many large windows that filled the house with light. He then hired a professional to come out and inspect the house for him. Disappointingly, he discovered that the house, although beautiful, had serious foundation issues. He is now considering his next steps. Although he fell in love with the house, the previous owner had concealed some serious problems.

Now, imagine if those foundation issues had gone unaddressed. Cracking walls, doors that won’t shut, or shifting beams in a house are serious problems. Would a good contractor advise him to spackle and paint over the cracks, saw the doors down so they would shut, and try to push the beams back into place? Of course not. A good contractor would advise that the house’s foundation be examined and repaired. In the same way, to really see lasting change within yourself and within others, we have to dig below the symptoms of “low self-esteem” and examine where these negative beliefs of self-worth have come from. In addition, to see lasting change, you have to address and repair those underlying beliefs.

Where does low self-esteem come from?

So often, people who have been withheld love or acceptance from an important figure during childhood, or who have experienced abuse or trauma at any point, carry this fundamental belief deep inside themselves- that they are not worthy of love from others. And if they are not worthy of this love from others, then they would be wrong to extend it to themselves. Experiencing write-off from others, neglect, or abuse becomes in a sense a very reinforcing experience. Having these negative interactions with others very clearly and logically follows the internalized belief of I am not lovable. While it makes us sad, it is not surprising.

Kindness from others can become the surprising event. It doesn’t fit within our paradigm. A compliment about our appearance, a simple thank you note, even love from a spouse can be turned down or discounted because it clashes with this internal script. This phenomenon is what we term low self-esteem. It’s not something that can be solved with more praise, more love, etc. It’s something that has to be addressed at the ground floor: our internal self-talk.

Your self-talk

How you treat yourself matters. What do you think when you look at yourself in the mirror? When you meet someone new? When you are asked to lead a meeting at work? How about when you say something awkward? When you make a mistake that was seen by people you respect? When you lose your temper with someone you love? What do you say to yourself? Do you hear things like Gosh, you’ve put on some weight. Wow, that was stupid. How could you do that?! You’re not going to find somebody who loves you. Whew. Imagine saying those lines out loud in front of a good friend. What would they be saying to you? Those things sure sound cruel, like a bully. Wouldn’t you be giving your friend more of a break, the benefit of the doubt?

How do you think you would respond to a daily litany of these put-downs? Depression, anger, a lack of motivation for starters, perhaps. Maybe these types of statements have been just enough discouragement for you to decide not to pursue a dream or a strong desire you have had. For some people, this internal dialog is strong enough to push them into harming themselves. Our thoughts are powerful tools; ones that we can turn to use to our own advantage.

Learning to lean toward the positive

What would happen if you suddenly had this discouraging internal voice replaced by an encouraging, kind voice? What would you do? Which new experiences would you try? How would you be different? What would other people notice? Our brains are hardwired to be attuned to what is negative in our lives. It takes concerted effort and sustained practice to change how we think, and in turn change how we feel and act.

Something that seems silly that I often use with clients who are looking to address low self-esteem are personal statements. I ask the person to write out statements about themselves. These statements not only encompass their roles, but also their characteristics. They are meant to get below the surface level (ie, “I am a teacher” or “I am a woman”) to the core of who that person is and their worth (ie, “I care deeply about others”, “I am interesting and worth getting to know”, or “I would be missed if I was gone”). Oftentimes in our work together, my clients find it hard to formulate these self-statements. Many times, they won’t believe the statements about themselves, especially the positive ones. However, that doesn’t mean that they are not true.

An action plan: Giving kindness a try

Having preached to themselves for years about their lack of self-worth, lovableness, or dignity as a person, saying positive statements about their core self feel like lies. Because this message has been so internalized, it is going to take quite a bit of effort to build in this new idea of a positive view of the self.

Many times, I will ask my clients to write down these true and positive statements about themselves and repeat them aloud several times daily while looking at themselves squarely in the mirror. While it may been fake or weird, this exercise is helping to build new pathways in the brain through speech production, hearing, seeing, and being present in the moment while going through the novel and positive self-statements. It is one of many ways that you can begin to address the underlying structures below low self-esteem. If you have been struggling with feelings of low self-esteem, give this method a try!

Additionally, remember the best friend test. The next time you are mentally berating yourself, consider if you would say that same thing aloud to a friend. If not, you may be judging yourself too harshly, with shame. And shame never motivates someone towards positive growth. Remember- extend kindness to yourself, not only to others.